I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
