Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
