my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
