i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
