I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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