I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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