i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's the barista slut.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
