I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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