Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
