I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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