woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
God I need to hump something, right now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
