you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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