im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
