we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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