Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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