do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
that may or may not have been my penis.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
