I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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