i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
