Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
