What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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