You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just found a bag of teeth...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
