i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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