You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
