You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
