Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
