mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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