Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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