Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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