I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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