I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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