I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
