U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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