we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
