I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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