I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
