I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
