Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
