I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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