rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
