Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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