I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
