Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
