____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
