My sheets look like a crime scene.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
