Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I AM VODKA MAN
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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