I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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