I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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