i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
