what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
