Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
