How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
